The Green-Eyed Monster

Forgive me, but I’m going to whine for a bit. I promise I’ll have an optimistic, shining, joyful end befitting a lilcornerofjoy blog. But I’m feeling dreadfully bummed this morning. I’ve been browsing twitter, and it’s like every one there is either published or at the SCBWI conference this weekend. I think I might be the only writer in the world who doesn’t write. Mind you, I know this isn’t true. Why, I’m writing right now, and there’s thousands, probably hundreds of thousands of writers who are unpublished and not attending NY12SCBWI. But knowing others share my predicament does nothing to make me feel better. Whining is easier than cheering up, in case you didn’t know.

I’ve typed 500 words in my romance novel in an attempt to get back to my pre-vacation flow, but it’s like the flow has gone, the faucet dried, or at best only trickling saline. Instead, I looked up other writers’ websites, as though to depress myself even more, and admired (with a touch of jealousy) their beautiful cover art.

Jealousy is defined in the dictionary as “resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage.” I’m pretty sure the only person I feel resentment against is myself, but I won’t deny that I wish I was prolific and motivated and had dozens of published books. If I stopped stopping myself, perhaps I too could have a website  teeming with novels, characters, links to my favorite indie bookstore and faqs.

I know it’s bad to play the “if only” game, but.... If only I stopped being my own worst judge, my own worst critic. If only I’d be nicer to myself, more accepting of myself, less apt to beat myself up. If only, right? But giving up self criticism might be easier than trying to live with it. I mean, look at me! I’m beating myself up for beating myself up!

Anyways, as I always like to say, tomorrow is a new day. Except of course, I wish I stopped saying that and started doing things today. I once went to a Dan Yaccarino talk, and he spoke about saying “yes!” to opportunities. Amazing, I think. Almost incomprehensible. Imagine that, saying “yes!”

So, could I say “yes!” to my romance novel even if it is limping along right now? I suppose I could. Or, I could manifest myself flowing with words like a fast river, and stop resisting the periods of drought as much as I’m wont to do. I believe in “if you can dream it, you can do it.” But I also believe in “stop dreaming and start doing.” It’s a conflict of interests, what can I say.

But I promised you to end on a bright note. So... rainbows! Cupcakes! Chocolate! Steaming platters of chicken, potatoes and eggs! I wish you all a wonderful, happy, productive day. And I cheered myself up, while whining to you. So thank! I hope we can talk again another day.